Not right now.

I'm going through something emotionally big and heavy and I can't even put into words what I feel right now.

I finally spoke with Cameron yesterday evening about everything and I'm not sure if I got closure or if I'm still on the hook. In his words, he's scared. Scared of loving me right now, scared of a long distance relationship not working out, scared of losing his job, scared of losing his car and license. Scared that he's losing 9lbs in a month because he can't afford to eat. Just plain scared with nothing stable to grasp onto. He may not be able to stay in Canada and might go back home to Florida. If that happens, it won't be a $200 ticket and a 3 hours flight to see each other... it would be 6-7 hours on a plane and a thousand dollar ticket. This is all coming from the man who as of a little over a week ago, wanted to marry me and couldn't picture his life without me.

My brain, my heart and my gut are all shouting different things at me.
My brain is telling me to think about things logically, be patient and don't freak out because it will get better, my heart is telling me to close off and not get hurt again and my gut is telling me "YOU'RE LOSING HIM, GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." It's funny because you would think a few of those would be switched around... and that scares me a little bit.

I have no idea what to do... I still don't know what to feel. I just feel kind of numb and like I'm existing but not really living.