Your blog update is 168 days past due.

Wow. It's been far too long since I've updated this blog. Primarily because I forgot the login information, but that is now fixed and updated. For those of you keeping track of my ever changing email address to avoid spam, I have changed it again! The new address that I'll be checking is sarahdactyyyl at gmail dot com. My previous Yahoo! email is now defunct and anything you send there will bounce back.

You know, reading back a few posts on this blog is really interesting... I look back at my silly posts involving someone who I thought I loved and I realize that up until Mike, I don't think I've ever been in love. Sure, I've loved and been completely comfortable in a relationship. But, how could I love Jason when he took advantage of my kindness and money? How could I love Cameron when he cheated on me multiple times and lied about everything he ever did? Maybe that's a very poor way of wording it. I guess I'm just so amazed at how much Mike cares about me and     loves me even with all my flaws. It's a pretty great feeling.

Anyway, onto life in Canada; I'm currently living with Mike in North Vancouver, which is just across the water from Vancouver, in a beautiful building near the Vancouver Shipyards. The weather here is pretty chilly and usually cloudy, rainy, snowy, slushy or icy. The cherry blossoms are starting to bud and soon the city will be covered in tiny pink blossoms. That's my favourite time of year, it means spring has sprung and boy spring, you better sprung soon. I need to get some sun before I go crazy!

Mike's birthday is this Friday and I have some special surprises for him. I'm so excited! In a few short weeks, Mike and I will be heading down south for my birthday. I asked him to come home to California with me for a few days to soak up some sun (hopefully!) and visit Disneyland, meet my Mom, and meet the Calverts. I'm very excited to show him around Orange County and get to visit with my family for a couple of days.

It will be really nice to be back, but here's hoping they let me back into Canada when we return. If not, I'll have to be living in the States for about 3 months while my work visa continues to process. That whole situation has left me so frustrated, it's really unfortunate that it's so unbelievably difficult to work in another country even though I have a skill that only a small handful of people in the world possess.

For the record.

I am terrible at goodbyes and I cry at the drop of a hat. Being an emotional wreck is lame. Leaving tomorrow.

7 days.

Well... I have exactly 7 days left in So Cal. I'm really excited, but I've been dreading this time more than anything. I can't wait to be in Canada, but I don't want to leave the people I love...

I know what's best for me and moving is the best option for sure, but it's a lot more difficult emotionally than I thought it would be. I think mostly because I know that I have quite a few friendships that are hanging on by a thread and this will more than likely be the last time I see a lot of people.

Keep calm and carry on?

Neglecting.

I'm neglecting all of you, and I'm sorry.  I think I'm just neglecting life in general right now and I don't really have any new, interesting things to write about.

I finally finished my tattoo sleeve. This is excellent because I was very tired of dealing with a "piecey" arm. Now it's complete and I'm really happy with it.

I've been hanging out a lot with my good friend Josh. He's a fun guy and we both have been through the same relationship situations, so we have a lot to talk/vent/rant about. As well, he's a hockey fan! So I actually have someone to go to a hockey game with! Excellent. Sept 28th we're going to see the Canucks vs. the Ducks. Canucks will obviously win. Duh.

Oh, also I decided to nix the green out of the hair after 2 years and it's now bright turquoise blue! I love it. My rat tail is about to the bottom of my shoulder blades right now too. I'm very proud of it.

Canada is only 22 days away! I'm so excited I can hardly wait... and then I think about leaving my family and friends and I start to have a slight panic attack. I know it will be good to get away because I can't stand anything about California anymore... but, I wish leaving was easier.

I can't wait to start telling you all about my new projects in Canada though! I'm so excited!

Surprise!

So, here's the good news... I moved up my moving date! I'm now leaving my job as of September 30th and leaving for Canada the following week on October 4th. Here's the better news... my new employer has agreed to buy me two plane tickets home. One ticket for a good friends wedding on the 18th of October and one ticket in November so I can fulfill my commitment to the 24 Hour Cancer Danceathon.

WOW. I'm beyond stoked!

If I fall, if I die, know I lived it to the fullest.

I'm really ready for this adventure to begin now. I'm so excited and all fear has subsided... for now.
I've found a temporary place to stay with my good friend Chiara and I do have work waiting for me the minute I roll into town! Let's get these next 90 days over with, shall we? Also... my Visa agent sounds really handsome and super french. Good ol' Quebec.

In other news... I pulled a muscle in my neck this past weekend. I can't even describe the pain of that. It was like someone was stabbing me in the neck/shoulder and holding my head still so I wouldn't be able to move. Luckily, I have a good buddy that I know from dancing who is a physical therapist. He came over today and helped me out with the pulled muscle situation. Unfortunately for me... I was unaware that "PT" also stood for pain and torture. My pulled muscle is now good to go and I'm able to move my neck again, however I'm almost positive I'm going to wake up with a black and blue neck.

Not right now.

I'm going through something emotionally big and heavy and I can't even put into words what I feel right now.

I finally spoke with Cameron yesterday evening about everything and I'm not sure if I got closure or if I'm still on the hook. In his words, he's scared. Scared of loving me right now, scared of a long distance relationship not working out, scared of losing his job, scared of losing his car and license. Scared that he's losing 9lbs in a month because he can't afford to eat. Just plain scared with nothing stable to grasp onto. He may not be able to stay in Canada and might go back home to Florida. If that happens, it won't be a $200 ticket and a 3 hours flight to see each other... it would be 6-7 hours on a plane and a thousand dollar ticket. This is all coming from the man who as of a little over a week ago, wanted to marry me and couldn't picture his life without me.

My brain, my heart and my gut are all shouting different things at me.
My brain is telling me to think about things logically, be patient and don't freak out because it will get better, my heart is telling me to close off and not get hurt again and my gut is telling me "YOU'RE LOSING HIM, GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." It's funny because you would think a few of those would be switched around... and that scares me a little bit.

I have no idea what to do... I still don't know what to feel. I just feel kind of numb and like I'm existing but not really living.